A little bit of Heaven
Today started off like any day, but it was rainy and cold outside so we did inside things. Chores, be lazy and watch movies, fun stuff like that. I watched A Little Bit of Heaven, and it was a good movie, maybe a good movie for me.
I was never one of those people who was really open about feelings, I had them, but I didn’t feel like the rest of the world needed to know about them. I didn’t handle death well, not like I’d assume many people do, but it was one of those things I didn’t like to think about in any capacity. When Jake died my whole life turned upside down, and every day was a struggle. I was an emotional mess among other things. I never got to say “goodbye” to him, it all happened really fast, he wasn’t terminal and while he’d had a couple of close calls with death I still wasn’t ready for the reality of losing someone so close to me.
I thought I handled it all pretty well, considering the circumstances, and I let myself try to fill the void and move on because the empty space left behind is hard to work around. I figured it out, maybe it took longer than it should have, but eventually I had to let go of the bandaid. When I did, I let myself be loved by someone I didn’t want to love me. I am so grateful for the man I am married to today. He loved me and was there for me every time I needed him, as a friend first, always. My best friend.
His life was complicated, not that mine wasn’t, but really how much drama does one want in a lifetime? I didn’t want to deal with his drama, not because it was inconvenient, but because I didn’t want to feel that much pain, anxiety, and even love again. I always try to be strong, it’s what I’ve had to do. Put on the “I’m fine” smile and just do whatever is necessary. I got sick of people telling me stupid cliches like “God won’t give you more than you can handle”, “whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, etc.. I don’t think saying those things to someone who is struggling helps, if you don’t know what to say to someone in a situation just don’t say anything. I didn’t want to be strong, and I didn’t want to think about God giving me my struggles.
So anyways. I am the person who doesn’t let myself cry (unless I’m -really- mad, then if I’m crying I’d suggest walking away). I don’t want to feel things, even still, it seems like when I open myself up there’s always pain involved. Maybe it’s fear, or avoidance, I just don’t like it. I watched that movie today, and I cried. More than once. It was a reminder of how lucky I am to have Corey in my life. Lucky that I have let my walls down for him, and maybe a reminder that I don’t have to be so strong every time something comes up. I’m sure it’s something I will struggle with forever, but I’ll have reminders along the way. Sometimes it’s good to let go.
