Corey's Birthday

Today started off like any day, but it was rainy and cold outside so we did inside things. Chores, be lazy and watch movies, fun stuff like that. I watched A Little Bit of Heaven, and it was a good movie, maybe a good movie for me.

I was never one of those people who was really open about feelings, I had them, but I didn’t feel like the rest of the world needed to know about them. I didn’t handle death well, not like I’d assume many people do, but it was one of those things I didn’t like to think about in any capacity. When Jake died my whole life turned upside down, and every day was a struggle. I was an emotional mess among other things. I never got to say “goodbye” to him, it all happened really fast, he wasn’t terminal and while he’d had a couple of close calls with death I still wasn’t ready for the reality of losing someone so close to me.

I thought I handled it all pretty well, considering the circumstances, and I let myself try to fill the void and move on because the empty space left behind is hard to work around. I figured it out, maybe it took longer than it should have, but eventually I had to let go of the bandaid. When I did, I let myself be loved by someone I didn’t want to love me. I am so grateful for the man I am married to today. He loved me and was there for me every time I needed him, as a friend first, always. My best friend.

His life was complicated, not that mine wasn’t, but really how much drama does one want in a lifetime? I didn’t want to deal with his drama, not because it was inconvenient, but because I didn’t want to feel that much pain, anxiety, and even love again. I always try to be strong, it’s what I’ve had to do. Put on the “I’m fine” smile and just do whatever is necessary. I got sick of people telling me stupid cliches like “God won’t give you more than you can handle”, “whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, etc.. I don’t think saying those things to someone who is struggling helps, if you don’t know what to say to someone in a situation just don’t say anything. I didn’t want to be strong, and I didn’t want to think about God giving me my struggles.

So anyways. I am the person who doesn’t let myself cry (unless I’m -really- mad, then if I’m crying I’d suggest walking away). I don’t want to feel things, even still, it seems like when I open myself up there’s always pain involved. Maybe it’s fear, or avoidance, I just don’t like it. I watched that movie today, and I cried. More than once. It was a reminder of how lucky I am to have Corey in my life. Lucky that I have let my walls down for him, and maybe a reminder that I don’t have to be so strong every time something comes up. I’m sure it’s something I will struggle with forever, but I’ll have reminders along the way. Sometimes it’s good to let go.